We have all heard it. We have all been amazed. We’ve all shaken our heads asking “what the hell is that?”. I’m talking about that big “Head On” commercial that’s currently flooding cable TV. Well, if you’re curious, look no further. You’ve come to the right place for an answer.

As part of my community service sentence for pleading “no answer” to a fire truck follow-up incident, I admit I have a thing for fires, but for crying out loud, I was only in a Segue at the time, I have write an important article that enlightens the public about a pressing social problem. Therefore, I have chosen to inform the public about the proper use of “Head On”. Can there be a more burning question? I do not think.

To get to the bottom of this, I thought I’d go to our favorite celebrities first. They know everything, so it only follows that I should ask them first. Well, let me tell you, what I discovered is not only shocking, but downright explosive.

Stars don’t know shit! How about those apples? You won’t read that in People magazine. Yes, they are dumber than a boob in your hair, with one exception. More on that later.

I simply asked each of them, “What do you use ‘Head On’ for?” Here are their revealing answers. You be the judge.

Billy Joel (via his rather testy publicist): “Mr. Joel used it to protect against bodily injury resulting from head-on car accidents. I was under the impression that it made seat belts and air bags obsolete. Unfortunately, it didn’t.” I can offer more than that right now, Mr. Joel is involved in a nasty personal injury lawsuit against the manufacturer. Suffice it to say, Mr. Joel no longer uses ‘Head On.'”

Don Imus – “Um…Diedre…(inaudible)…Imus Ranch…eyebrows growing…Wyatt…(cough, wheeze)…forehead hair removal…(noise of oxygen tank)…greening and cleaning…(flat line sound)…(electric shock paddles)…click”

Mel Gibson: “It does get rid of hangovers, but unfortunately it has some pretty worrying side effects that I’m very susceptible to. In some people, it releases anti-Semitic and Jew-hating thoughts into the conscious lobe of the brain; therefore, my untimely, “Little indiscretion. If I wear it again, it’ll only be at Aryan Brotherhood sleepovers, barbecues.”

Tom Cruise: “Actually, it’s a very important part of the Scientology ritual known as the ‘Hubbard Head Meld.’ Katie puts some ‘Head On’ on my forehead. I put some on Katie’s. We close our eyes and touch. It creates an opening through which our spirits mingle in the joy and euphoria of couch-hopping. I know. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Look, think of it as a Vulcan mind meld, but anyway. TRUE”.

Paris Hilton – “It’s the best for…can I say like ‘oral sex’? She puts it like on my forehead, and I’m sure I put it on her–” (I like hanging on her. )

Donald Trump – “Well, it’s actually quite a fantastic story. Of course, my beautiful wife, Melania, who happens to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and who gave birth to the most important child on Earth, perhaps since Jesus Christ, she first told me about “Head On”. She said it helps to humble the ego and I could use a little. To appease her, I applied a truckload. It didn’t work. I wasn’t surprised. She might be the prettiest but she also has the world’s finest tiny brain. But this is the best part, it does wonders for my hair. One pass back and forth and I get that fantastic look, that look that has the whole nation buzzing. I get pulled over on the street. All the The world wants it. Is it fantastic or what? I’m pure gold.”

Joan Rivers – “Stay away from aging, dear. A little on the forehead, a little on the cheeks, a smear on the chin and neck, and you don’t need surgery. Have you seen me lately? I look stronger than a woman’s ass.” Thank you clam, ‘Head On’.”

Russell Crowe – “Yeah. Finally something I can throw at the paparazzi that comes with instructions. F*@k Off!”

Oh those crazy stars, they can’t help but make us smile.

Anyway, expecting to find some common thread in their answers (Paris, great madman, that means “like to be the same; like not different”), I was surprised to hear such contradictory results. The question was raised, one of them must be right, but who?

To find out the truth, I went directly to the manufacturer. At first they gave me quite a spin. Apparently, it’s a well-kept secret. Well, they underestimated this brain. It just took a little ingenuity and perseverance. Posing as a jobless undocumented worker from the country of New Jersey, I got the inside scoop from senior shipping clerk, Robby Bob Roberts, during my job interview with him. But instead of telling you what Rob Bob said, I’ll let the star, who got it right, tell you in his own words.

Anne Heche – “Blocks the gravitational pull of abduction beams emitted by alien spacecraft.”

Of course it does! Anne, if anyone should have known, it’s you.

The next time the ad appears, take a close look at it. You will slap your forehead in disbelief from Anne-Heche-is-God. Thanks Anne, and thanks Rob Bob for enlightening us!

To the other stars: next time you’re near a UFO, you crazy kids, please don’t use the product.