Children of narcissistic parents are driven by a lack of confidence. Raised by a self-centered, competitive, and arrogant father, they feel they can never measure up or be enough to earn their father’s approval. Their father may be absent or critical and controlling. He can belittle and shame his child’s mistakes, vulnerability, failures, or limitations, but brag about it to his friends. He can boast inflated versions of his accomplishments, while belittling his son’s. A narcissistic parent may mercilessly bully or compete with his child in games, even when the child is a less capable child. Similarly, he may be jealous of his wife’s attention to the child, compete with him, and flirt with his girlfriends or his future wife.

Narcissists lack empathy. Many of these parents are authoritarian and rigid about how things should be done, correcting their opinions and getting their way, portrayed by Robert Duval as the father in the movie “The Great Santini”. Franz Kakfa articulately describes a literary example of such imposing intolerance in letter to his father (1966):

“What was always incomprehensible to me was your complete lack of feeling for the suffering and shame you could inflict on me with your words and judgments. It was as if you had no notion of your power with what I said, but I always knew, and it hurt, but I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t hold back the words, I was sorry even as I said them. But you hit with your words without much adore, you didn’t feel sorry for anyone, neither during nor after, one was completely helpless against you.”

Arrogant and overconfident, his father did not listen to anyone, but judged everyone without needing to be consistent. His rules and decrees were delivered in a “terrible hoarse tone of anger and utter condemnation… [that] it just makes me tremble less today than in my childhood…” The fact that those commandments did not apply to him made them all the more depressing for Kafka, who describes the three worlds in which he lived:

“one in which I, the slave, lived under laws that had been invented just for me and that I could not, I don’t know why, never fully comply; then a second world, which was infinitely distant from mine, in which you lived, preoccupied with the government, with giving orders and with the annoyance that they were not obeyed, and finally a third world where everyone else lived happily and free from orders and from having to obey. I was continually in disgrace, or obeyed your orders, and that was a dishonor, because, after all, they applied only to me; or I was defiant, and that was a dishonor too, because how could I dare defy you; or I could not obey because I did not obey?, for example, having your strength, your appetite, your ability, although you expected it from me as something natural; this was the greatest misfortune of all”.

As a result, Kafka lacked confidence, courage, and determination. Like other children of narcissists, he internalized the guilt and projected shame of his father. He became so insecure and fearful that he was unsure of everything, “even the closest thing to me, my own body”, which eventually led to hypochondria.

When narcissistic parents become involved in their child’s activities, some take control, micromanage, or are hypercritical. Narcissists are often perfectionists, so nothing their child does, or who he or she is, is good enough. Seeing their son as an extension of themselves, they get too involved and control their son’s life, education, and dreams, much like the father did in the movie “Shine.” Alternatively, other parents may be physically or emotionally withdrawn and involved in their work, addiction, or personal pleasures. They act as if paying attention to their child’s needs, feelings, and interests or attending her games and activities is unimportant and burdensome, even though they could support it materially. In either case, such parents are not emotionally available. Because they deny and despise their own dependency and vulnerability, they often shame and belittle any signs of distress or weakness in their children.

Kafka suffered emotional abuse efficiently. He writes that although he rarely received a beating, the constant threat of it was worse, as was the guilt and shame he endured when he received a reprieve from one he “deserved.” Some narcissists are physically cruel. A father made his son dig a pool; another, cuts the grass with a razor. (See Allen Wheelis’ how people change.) Abuse makes a child feel powerless, scared, humiliated, and enraged due to feelings of injustice and powerlessness. As an adult, he may have conflicts with authority and not handle anger well. He turns on himself or others and becomes aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive.

Children who do not become narcissistic themselves suffer from codependency. The message they have received is that they are somehow inadequate, a burden, and not up to their father’s expectations, basically unlovable, even though they may feel loved by their parents. mothers; because children need to feel that both parents accept and love them for who they are. They are deeply moved when they receive an apology or a few crumbs of love that others take for granted, as Kafka describes when he was ill. He was overcome with tears when his father simply looked into his room and waved at him. All Kafka wanted was “a bit of encouragement, a bit of friendship, a bit of opening up my path, instead of which you blocked it for me, though of course with the good intention of making me go another way.” . Children of an abusive parent often learn to be self-sufficient, cautious, and devalue their dependency and emotional needs, leading to intimacy issues. They may marry a narcissist, abuser, someone cold, judgmental, or emotionally unavailable.

Sons may be driven to achieve, in an attempt to gain their father’s validation and approval, but their success feels empty. It is never enough, even for themselves. They need to learn to be assertive and set boundaries in ways that are healthy, not patterned and unthinkable growing up. They also need to value themselves and raise their self-esteem and confidence. Many have suffered from lifelong inner loneliness due to growing up in a family in constant turmoil and/or lack of emotional closeness. However, healing your shame and learning to console yourself, accept yourself, love yourself and receive love is possible.

©DarleneLancer 2016