I recently heard from a wife whose husband was asking for something that she wasn’t sure she could give. About six months ago, the wife found out that her husband had been cheated on. The husband confessed it himself. He promised to make it all up to her wife, and after thinking about it, she vowed to save the marriage. However, as time went by, she began to learn more details. And she discovered that they weren’t talking about some kind of one-night stand. They were talking about a full-fledged matter. The husband had been going on with a co-worker for months and had spent a lot of time and money on the relationship. The wife found texts where the husband declared feelings of love for the other woman. This kind of emotional betrayal was almost impossible for her to accept.

But, it seemed that the more upset the wife got, the more her husband apologized. Now, he insisted that he would do anything to get her wife back and he didn’t know what he would do if he lost her. Needless to say, the wife felt completely torn. She was furious with her husband and some days she didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. But she couldn’t deny that she wanted to save her marriage. However, she knew that one condition of this would be to forgive her husband for her deception and affair. In fact, she apologized to him almost daily because she couldn’t stand that disappointed and hurt look in her eyes.

And every time he asked her for forgiveness, there was a little voice in the back of his mind that told him that this might be an impossible request. Because every time she thought about giving it to him, about five minutes later, she would start to think about how much he betrayed her in so many ways. And her willingness to forgive her turned to anger. And she just couldn’t imagine that anything could derail this process.

I understand. I have felt these feelings, but since my healing was some time ago and I have some distance, I can tell you that you may not always feel the same as you do now. Sometimes forgiveness is possible even when you doubt it. And sometimes it helps more than you can possibly know.

You should never force or rush your forgiveness for your cheating. Must be earned: Although forgiveness can be healing, it won’t work unless you’re ready to give it. You can’t just decide that you “should” or that you’re going to forgive when deep down you feel like you don’t deserve it. Because eventually, your resentment will come back if you force it.

Forgiveness does not “stick” unless it has been earned. If you don’t earn it, you will always wonder and have those nagging doubts. So when a husband is begging and pleading for forgiveness but you know in his heart that it’s too soon or he’s not ready, there’s nothing wrong with saying so. In this scenario, the wife might consider telling her husband that although she was very open to giving when she was ready and able to give, she had not yet reached that point.

She was going to need to see some genuine remorse and rehabilitation. And it would take time to see if her husband was willing to earn her trust again by acting completely trustworthy from now on without fail. This process cannot and should not be rushed. A husband who is genuine in his promise to “do anything” to save the marriage must understand this and must be patient.

When you are ready to forgive, it can be very healing: I’m sure you’ve heard people say that forgiveness is for the person who offers it and not the person who asks for it. What people mean by this is that carrying the pain and anger really affects you. It takes a lot of energy to hold on to anger and it is emotionally draining. When you can release these feelings, it feels like a great weight has been lifted.

And many wives in this situation don’t necessarily forgive for their husband’s sake. They forgive for their own good, for the good of their marriage, and for the good of their children. They want to start over from a healthy place and know that continuing to hold back negative emotions is not in their best interests.

That being said, forgiveness is not possible, or the right response, for everyone. But sometimes, she really has earned it, and giving it to her can bring just as much relief to her as it does to her husband.