Being a stepparent has its own ups and downs, and anyone starting a relationship with someone who already has children should prepare for some challenges ahead. Every relationship would face one or two problems at one time or another, but the most important thing is knowing how to deal with the problem and find a solution.

Not all stepchildren would be receptive to the entry of a “stranger” into the family, and sometimes, quite rightly, they may be suspicious of the person who is now married to their parent. A stepfather occasionally has to prove himself to the children in order to gain their trust and approval. While there’s nothing wrong with that, however, there would be a problem if the stepfather, despite all his efforts, still can’t do anything right for his stepchildren.

Some stepchildren will never accept their parent’s new spouse and will stop at nothing to make sure life is misery for the new person in their parent’s life. Therefore, you may want to ask how you can deal with children that drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

Step One – There has to be trust between you and your spouse.

Make sure you and your spouse are on the same wavelength. It must be made very clear to the children that you and your spouse communicate with each other about everything and the children will see that they cannot use anything against you. A stepchild who doesn’t like you will try to use anything against you so that her parents start to doubt her trust in you.

You have won half the battle if there are no secrets between you and your spouse and you have a way of talking about everything with each other.

Step Two: Talk to your stepchildren

If you find that your stepchildren are always trying one thing or another to create problems between you and your spouse, you may want to talk to them. However, this would depend on your age. Let them know that you love your parents and that is why you are in a relationship. Explain to them that you have not come to take their parents and if that is one of the reasons why they do not want you in their lives, then they must understand that the relationship between children is different from that of two adults.

For some stepchildren, this is all they need to know and they will be fine. For one reason or another, some children who have been used to living with one parent for a long time will find that someone new comes into their lives as a threat. Some may even feel that their parents will no longer have time for them. Some of these feelings of insecurity need to be dispelled by you, the stepparent.

Step Three: Get Your Spouse to Talk to Them

Sometimes children would need a little reassurance from their birth parents. You may want to allow your spouse to talk to them to let them know that having a stepparent in the house would not reduce the love you have always had for them.

Step Four – Talk to the children together

It may be that you both have to talk to them together. Your stepchildren may never stop trying to drive a wedge between the two of you until they see a united front from the two of you. Talking to them together can get the message across. It can show them that you are now a part of their lives and that they should give you a chance to show that you are in the relationship for the long haul.

In addition to talking to the kids together, you may want to make sure you do things together as a couple and let the kids see you.