Grilling a steak has all the principles of masculinity mixed up. Fire, danger and gluttony. But many of you savages are doing it wrong. I watch in horror as you treat me to a light beer and a dry, lifeless steak. I guess technically it’s not supposed to be lifeless, but you know what I mean.

Here are some basic principles for grilling the perfect steak:

GRADE AND CUT- The most important choice you will ever make. At least until dinner the next day. First know that the best cuts for grilling are T-bone, Rib Eye, Porter House, and Filet Mignon. The NY Strip is pretty decent, but it’s not my favorite (maybe because it has NY on it?) Basically, the further you get from the horns and hooves, the better you look.

Next you need to choose your rank. First there is Prime which is restaurant quality and those bastards buy most of this stuff. You may still be able to find it, if you know your butcher, but it’s tough and you can expect to pay $15-$25 a pound. Next up is Choice and that’s what you’ll typically get at the grocery store and butcher counter. Pretty good for me. If you are looking for Select quality I suggest giving up and just making burgers. The steak may be beyond you. If it’s too cheap to pay for Select, you’re out of luck. Anything less can only be accomplished in prisons or elementary schools.

HEAT FOR GAIN- Before you start grilling, you want it hot. Hella hot. super hot. If you can hold your hand 4 inches above the grill without breaking it, it’s not hot enough (Chuck Norris is excluded from this test). The #1 reason your steaks are dry is because your grill isn’t hot enough, forcing you to cook it too long.

PREPARE YOUR MEAT FOR THE GRILL, LIKE A GLADIATOR FOR THE ARENA- First of all, you need to have the meat at room temperature for at least half an hour before throwing it on the grill. Cold meat doesn’t cook well, blood can’t move. Then generously season your steak with KOCHER salt and pepper. You can rub some olive oil on the slab at this point. It can help form that nice crust on the outside that we’re looking for.

Also, remember that marinades are great if you’re using cheap meat (I’m looking at your flank steak) but they ruin the good stuff. If you make me Filet Mignon that tastes like lime and tequila, I’ll personally punch you in the throat.

DO NOT COOK, SEAR- Cooking your steak well cut and seasoned on your super hot grill will take you 3-5 minutes per side depending on: A) the thickness of your steak and B) how hot your particular grill is. Remember to flip only once. Now how do you know if it’s done?

Well, the only way to really know is to open it up, but that ruins the steak. Grilled steaks don’t make it worse, it’s not sub-optimal, it ruins it. How to get a supermodel pregnant.

So you will have to experiment on your grill several times. Buy 3 cuts a night, cook one for 3 minutes per side, one for 4, and one for 5.

Note: Rare steak is great to reheat the next morning for steak and eggs, and overcooked steak can be sliced ​​thin to make a steak sandwich.

Warning: Do not use a meat thermometer. Poking holes in steak is a farce and against the law in all civilized countries. It lets out all the juices and results in an $11 per pound hockey puck.

REST YOUR LAURALLS – It is essential that after cooking you let your steak rest for 10 minutes. 5 if you’re starving, but 10 is much better. I know you’re hungry. I know it smells good. But if you drop it on a plate and slice it, you’re going to let all those juices out. Give them time to build up, slow down, and spread out. If you’re worried about the steak getting cold, wrap it in aluminum foil. Not letting it rest is the #2 most likely reason your steak is dry.

HUNGER IS YOUR SAUCE- Let me say this, now and always. Steak sauce is for men who lost their sense of taste in a bottle rocket accident. The caveat is that it’s a nice way to drain the flavor of a cheaper piece of meat (I’m not above taking meat out of the discount container). But if you paid the money for a decent cut, don’t you want to try it and not A1?

Note: A1 is, however, amazing mixed into your burger.

So if you follow these principles and invite me, I’ll give your steak my blessings. And by giving blessings I mean consuming.

Also, be sure to call it a grill, and don’t forget to label it barbecue. Barbecuing is a special and sacred event that I’ll talk about in a later article, it’s not something you can do with just some propane and a metal grill.