From time to time, I receive emails from devastated men and women after a breakup. In many of these emails, the person sees that the relationship wasn’t really satisfying or that the other person has some “stuff that’s bothering me,” but despite that, it still hurts a lot.

“Christine, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I feel like my life is falling apart. How can I make the pain go away?

Why do you cling to a relationship that you know isn’t “right” in the first place?

Toxic or “negative bonding” relationships are some of the hardest relationships to break. Often the “negative bond” chemistry is very strong. The person caught in this pain feels “love” even when the reasons she has for feeling that way are unrealistic and unsupported by facts.

Breaking out of “negative bonding” chemistry is very difficult because these relationships hide the feelings you already have for yourself. You feel helpless in the way you relate and behave and even though a part of you knows that this person is “wrong” for you, you truly believe that once he sees “what you have” he will feel “lucky”. “to be with you. And to feel betrayed by his inability to see his potential and to feel abandoned when his affections are not reciprocated, etc.

Why does it hurt so much?

When you say to someone, “I love you,” you say it without realizing in the slightest that basically all you are saying is “I love myself in you.” When you find yourself in the other person and that person leaves, part of you leaves and you create a particular image of tragedy within yourself. At first it takes you into the realm of mourning, a duel that is much deeper than you think. Every cell in your body screams in pain and frustration at your failure to become one with the other part of you. You regret the ways you could have been more, done more, said more, and given more. You may not even “love” that person or want to be with them yet (after all they’ve done to you), it’s the “feelings” that person brought with them that you regret.

Is it possible to let go of this feeling?

The mistake most people make when they experience this type of pain is trying to make it go away by talking about it, thinking about it, avoiding it, suppressing it, or taking medication.

Right now and for a long time it may seem like everything around you is falling apart, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. This pain is there to bring your awareness to the areas of your life that you have been avoiding or suppressing. There is nowhere to go but in. This can be an opportunity to go beyond the surface of your life and really learn something about yourself that you may have missed, for example, your feelings, needs, vulnerability, the choices you make, the way you relate and you react etc

Often the characteristics, habits, and traits that you “don’t like” in the other person, the one you like the least, are the ones that have something important to teach you about yourself. These are “disowned” parts of you. For example, you can be a successful professional who takes everything seriously; the person you’re obsessed with, on the other hand, is a happy-go-lucky partier who doesn’t seem to take anything seriously. Granted, it’s great to be successful and enjoy the sense of accomplishment that success and money bring, but wouldn’t it be great to sometimes let your hair down and have some serious fun, just because you can?

It may be that you are someone who finds yourself doing all the contact, calling, arranging dates, paying the bills, sharing your feelings and emotions, etc. and the person who obsesses you enjoys all that but doesn’t try as hard. Okay, it’s great to show him how responsible, romantic, and caring you can be, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if sometimes someone would call you just because they love you, surprise you with a romantic getaway, or open up and share his/her deepest feelings with you? without your prompting or scolding?

Let’s say you are someone looking for a serious relationship and you don’t waste time letting him know. Within a few weeks of meeting, you’re ready to take the relationship to another level, but the person you’re obsessing about isn’t sure or doesn’t want to. And breaks up with you because you’re going “too fast.” Granted, it’s great to know what you want and go after it, but wouldn’t it be great to slow down sometimes and let the relationship develop and grow naturally?

Believe it or not, there really is a gift in all of this! The negative bonding pattern is a great teacher…

Trying to “make the pain go away” is refusing to learn the lessons life presents. If you can move beyond despair, you will be able to clearly see what you need to learn from the experience to develop your true ability to create love and a satisfying relationship. Pay attention and develop a communication with your inner self. You’ll be surprised how many insights and insights you’ll get if you just tune in, listen, and ask. Like anything else, you need to approach it with an open mind, otherwise you’ll miss the overall message of pain.

If you need help with this, get it, but don’t get stuck there, unable to learn and move on. Your next relationship will just be a repetition of the same lesson, until you learn and move on.

You get to choose the type of chemistry and relationship dynamic it creates!