I was dumb… like annoyingly dumb. I deserve all the “I told you so” you can all muster. I’ve heard the old adage so many times and still did it. But after just two nights of being a parent, I really get why you should NEVER say never.

Of course, I was one of those smart kids who questioned the literal nature of statements like that. “How can you say ‘never’ say never? Isn’t that never itself?” And then I’d smile that smug smile I’ve mastered over the years. Well, the adult who just got a collective 5 hours of sleep for the last two days wants to pick the nose out of that stuck-up little idiot. I don’t want to be one of those “until you have a child you can never understand” parents because honestly, I should have understood this concept a long time ago.

Arrogance is a trip! And it was sheer arrogance that made me claim things I would never do, with such pride. And it’s not just about how I would raise my children, but about the things I would never do as a husband or an adult in general. I remember my mom in the kitchen when I was still in the single digits. She said, “Tony, do you want to come learn how to cook?” And that cocky little jerk exclaimed matter-of-factly, “I don’t need to learn to cook, Mommy, I’m going to have a WIFE to do that for me!” At the time I was too young to really understand my own mortality, but still, I could see fire and brimstone in my mother’s eyes and I thought this might be my last day.

Resigning himself to letting me live, he handed me a spatula and calmly explained that there’s no guarantee you’ll ever get married, and even if you do, there’s no guarantee your wife will be able to cook. She taught me that day, the importance of not only independence, but respecting women as more than just caregivers, despite how difficult and important the role of caregiver is. Either karma for the ignorant statement I made at such a young age, or balance because I’m an amazing cook too (no lie), but of course I’ve spent the last ten years with a Woman who treats the stove as such. . it was painted with ebola and sealed with anthrax.

I should have understood then, but no, I have spent most of my adult life smugly telling people how I will and will not raise my children without ever having changed a diaper, let alone been responsible for another life.

The Lie: “My kids can share our bed every blue moon, but we won’t make it a habit.”

The truth: if she gives me an extra two hours of sleep, she can park her little ass here until 30.