Many relationships described by individuals in relationships as “committed relationships” are often actually uncommitted.

While there are as many types of “committed relationships” as there are couples and individuals in societies, there appear to be three common characteristics that constitute a commitment:

1) Constant intention to continue a relationship with a specific person;

2) Express desire to do whatever it takes to maintain the stability and longevity of a valued relationship; Y

3) Behavior and observable actions that create satisfaction in the relationship.

Intention, will and actions create a sense of “commitment”, but the strength of commitment varies depending on 1) the individual’s ability to act in a committed way and (more importantly) 2) how the individual feels about be in the relationship.

Over the years, I have identified some common conscious and subconscious behaviors that can help you determine how your partner feels about being in the relationship. Hopefully, these insights will inspire you to do something about your “committed relationship” before the relationship falls apart, irreconcilably.

1. Point out that your partner DOES NOT FEEL WANT to commit

– You are unlikely to express a desire to maintain the relationship, even when pressured, you will always find ways to avoid talking about personal commitment.

– Think that other relationships are better and other couples are happier.

– Complains about the lack of freedom to say and do what he wants (and blames you)

– He barely keeps promises, even on very small things.

– Less inclined to actively work to develop a feeling of togetherness (does not feel it is necessary)

– More likely to engage in opportunistic and even insulting or abusive behavior (and you don’t care how you feel about it)

– Always put personal interest above relationship (you are not my number one attitude)

– More likely to actively and openly seek distractions outside of the relationship (work, affairs, adult entertainment, Internet pornography, addictions, etc.)

– Not wanting and disdaining any request for emotional openness or closeness, time or effort.

– Committed only as long as external pressure is present or as long as there are “personal benefits” from being in the relationship

– At some point will he end the relationship or will he intentionally do something for you to end it?

2. Indicates that your partner FEELS OBLIGATED, morally or legally, to act committed

– Publicly shows a desire to maintain the relationship, but privately is reluctant to verbally express that desire.

– Think that the relationship could improve if he or she had the freedom to say or do what they want.

– Invest time and effort only in agreed obligations and responsibilities, and no more

– Less inclined to actively work to develop a feeling of togetherness (thinks it’s too much work for so little)

– Occasionally puts personal interest above relationship.

– Less likely to engage in opportunistic behavior (not because you don’t want to, but because it will publicly highlight your lack of commitment)

– Puts more emphasis on obligations and responsibilities than emotional openness and closeness (says things like, “I’m here. Am I not?”, Or “I did what I was supposed to do. What more do you want from me? ? “”)

– Less likely to date or have relationships with other men / women, but you can do it very discreetly if you firmly believe that you will never find out.

– Committed only while the “debt” remains unpaid

– You could end the relationship or you could become very committed (but only when enthusiasm overcomes any sense of obligation or expectation)

3. Indicates that your partner FEELS INSPIRED and motivated to commit

– Expresses in private the desire to maintain the relationship, but may or may not make their commitment public.

– You think that you (and the relationship) are one of the best things in your life.

– You feel that you are an equal partner who has the freedom to say no or ask for what you want.

– Invest in himself, time and effort in the growth and longevity of the relationship.

– Actively works to develop a balance between interdependence and togetherness.

– Less likely to engage in opportunistic behaviors.

– More likely to place relationship above self-interest

– Willing, open and excited to cultivate openness and emotional closeness (and open to seeking outside help, if needed)

– Less inclined to date or have relationships with other men / women (does not see the need to do so)

– It is unlikely that the relationship will end, it is more likely that you will remain committed for a long time

Given the above scenario, it is wise to seek a compromise where the other person feels that they chose to be in the relationship, wants to be in the relationship, and has a voice in what happens now and in the future. But this shouldn’t just be “feel-good” therapy, compromise comes with negotiated responsibilities and mutually acceptable expectations for both of you at levels that you can both honor, meet, and maintain over time. It is only within the context of this understanding that both of you can act meaningfully in the best interest of the other (and the relationship) at heart.

It is also important that even if the person feels that the commitment is a personal and private matter, they must also be willing to make their private commitment public. Going public with one’s private intentions helps reduce any lingering ambiguity that may undermine the potential of the relationship. Couples who get engaged in public are more confident in each other and in their relationships.

But when trying to inspire both personal and public commitment, it’s important to recognize that there are significant risks in doing so.

1. A commitment cannot be in direct conflict with your partner’s personal values ​​or life goals. Any attempt to influence the other to give up their personal values, options, dreams, and independence makes the commitment worthwhile or fulfilling.

2. A commitment should not seem alien or feel sent to an institution. Leave plenty of room for your partner to express and show their commitment publicly on their own.

3. A commitment must not be expired or out of date (a one-time vow or promise). If a relationship is going to have a chance, provide space and rituals for re-engagement: renewing promises, promises, vows, goals, expectations, etc. as individuals and as partners or lovers.

4. The commitment should not be a one-man project. They have to work together on that.

Good luck!

You will find more information on how to inspire your partner’s engagement on my website.