Physical and sexual abuse are more easily identified than verbal abuse. The reason verbal abuse is more difficult to identify is because many forms of verbal abuse are embedded in society as ‘normal or acceptable’. Therefore, these ‘normal or acceptable’ forms of verbal abuse are ignored. ‘Normal or acceptable’ verbal abuse is a precursor to its escalation. The adage ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ is a blatant message to ignore verbal abuse. More serious is the fact that verbal abuse, in most cases, turns into physical abuse. Verbal abuse is an equal opportunity effort and is committed by both genders.

‘Normal or acceptable’ forms of verbal abuse include: male or female, humiliation of both genders. Dumb blonde jokes, jokes about the inadequacies of men in the kitchen, the bedroom, or being addicted to television. While these clichéd statements seem benign, it is the seeds that germinate into anger and hostility between them.

Verbal abuse is the oppression of one person over another. It is power over and dominion. Power over and dominion kills the spirit of the victim. Verbal abuse is just as insidious as physical abuse, because it normalizes low levels of abuse and because the abuser frequently convinces the victim that she has not understood, is too sensitive, or is a ‘crybaby’. In other words, the abuser convinces the victim that she is not being abused; the victim is the problem.

Common themes of verbal abuse are: Inequality; Competition; Driving; Hostility; Control and Denial. The abuser either overtly or covertly manipulates others to get what he wants: dominance and control. He/she denies his/her partner’s perceptions, experiences, achievements and his/her hopes and dreams.

There are fifteen categories of verbal abuse: countering; organize; forgot; Denial; Hostility/Anger; lock/bypass; make fun; accuse/blame; judge/criticize; trivialize; undermine; retention; threatening; Insult and deny.

Withholding is the most insidious as it is a ‘silent deal’. The abuser punishes you by refusing to talk to you. Her response may be to make an effort to strike up a conversation with him/her or simply to set the record straight. But, most likely, this fuels the fire of her silence and the subsequent outburst of anger. Ignoring him, staying busy, or leaving the room is the best solution to this verbal abuse.

Talking back is serious abuse, because it occurs when the accuser tells you that your perception is wrong. He can tell you that he is not willing to accept his perception on the matter. Then he must stop the interaction: it takes two people to keep the ‘fight’ going. Say no more. Continuing to work on solving the problem only fuels your anger and desire to control. Remember that you have the right to feel what you feel and think what you think. You don’t need to prove yourself or convince yourself that your perception is valid.

Blocking/diversion occurs when you ask a question and your accusation prevents you from getting the answer. You can ask a simple question. “How was your meeting today?” Block/Divert Response: “Why do you ask?” The victim’s typical reaction to the block/deflection may be to defend. To prevent the opportunity for the abuser to escalate, she responds with a loving declaration: “Because I care about you and want to support you in your life.” Then walk away.

Or you could ask a personal question: “Did you speak with your brother to finalize his visiting plans?” Block/Divert Response: “Why are you scolding me?” Avoid defending yourself, just walk away. You can call your brother-in-law to get the information. Remember that you deserve to have the information.

Another tactic to block/divert is to change the subject. Avoid getting sidetracked, continue to patiently ask your question. So you are being abused if your abuser blames or accuses you of starting a fight, imagining or misrepresenting the facts, or telling the story incorrectly. The key to launching this abuse is to avoid defending or explaining. Calmly say, “The way you talk to me is not right.” Walk away.

By definition, if you are being judged and criticized, you are being verbally abused. Don’t buy their perceptions of who you are or what you are about. Your accusation/abuse is not God or a court of law. Labeling you violates your boundaries. Remember, your accuser/abuser is the least qualified to define who you are and what you are about. Bottom line: don’t engage in defending or explaining.

Last but not least, trust your feelings and perceptions. Avoid blaming yourself for the abuse. Set limits with your partner, seek emotional and spiritual healing with a professional. The most important thing is that you remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and integrity in order to live your life in peace and harmony. Living life with peace and harmony is the life you were born to live.