Have you ever been through a difficult time, only to have a fellow Christian give you bad advice with good intentions? Sometimes it can be quite insulting!

In one of my darkest moments, when I was buried in my mist of grief, I was given the advice to “just give it to God.” At that point, I sent a friend a very frustrated and vented text, exclaiming, “It’s yours now! I have nothing more to hold on to!” For me, at the time, it had nothing to do with entrusting the situation to God; I DID trust in God. The fact was that I was suffering. Deeply. I know the advice was given with good intentions, but it was not helpful. Absolutely.

We’ve all had moments when, because we didn’t understand what another person was going through, we’ve said or done something unhelpful or even hurtful. Happens.

As individuals, it can be very difficult trying to understand what another person is dealing with. Even if we have experienced something similar, we will not be able to fully understand the layers of your unique experiences. Everyone’s story is different, and that’s how it’s designed to be.

Having said all that, for Christians struggling with anxiety, feedback from others within the Church can be, to say the least, defeating.

Advice from fellow believers may be motivated by good intentions, but it may seem dismissive, destructive, and discouraging.

When I asked a dear Christian friend who struggles with anxiety what she thought should be included in a post entitled “What every Christian needs to know about fellow believers struggling with anxiety,” her input reinforced my thoughts as I worked on my sketch for this article. So, feeling validated in what I want to share with you, I would like to share what, from my professional experience, personal experience, and experiences of loved ones, Christians struggling with anxiety want their fellow believers to understand.

1. Anxiety is a physical response to a perceived threat.

While anxiety is also a descriptive word for emotions related to fear and worry, there are also physical symptoms. Sometimes our bodies have a hard time determining whether or not something is a legitimate threat, so they respond as if the threats are immediate and physical, even when they are not.

If you’re familiar with the concept of “fight or flight,” you probably already understand it. When our bodies sense danger (real or perceived), there are a series of physical reactions that naturally prepare us to fight or flee.

If you look at the physical symptoms of the body’s natural “threat system,” you’ll notice that they’re basically a list of anxiety symptoms—you’ll find the same symptoms experienced by someone struggling with significant anxiety.

It’s also important to note that there are many physical conditions that can cause anxiety-like symptoms.

2. Anxiety is not always a lack of faith.

It is true that sometimes anxiety can be due to a lack of faith, but often it comes more from an ambush of fearful thoughts that may have become a habit over time, through life experiences. Controlling relationships, multiple failures or losses, behavioral habits learned from parents or other loved ones, or other complicated life struggles all work together to form what are known as “core beliefs” in our subconscious. We ALL form core beliefs, whether positive or negative. Even if we don’t recognize that the beliefs are there, they tend to form the basis of our reactions when there is a new experience that serves as a trigger.

For example, if someone from your past repeatedly told you that you are worthless, that thought may be strongly ingrained in your mind. Even if you don’t believe it’s true, it becomes easier to ACT as if it’s true when you’re faced with new challenges. This is how our brain works. (On the other hand, if we continually input good messages, it’s easier to act like them they are true. Think Philippians 4:8!)

There’s a reason phrases like “Fear not!” They are repeated so many times throughout the Scriptures.

We are human and we see things from our own limited point of view. The temptation to worry is common and can sometimes be overwhelming. For some, it can be debilitating.

3. You’re not going to say something that will miraculously “fix” the anxiety, and you’re not expected to try.

You are out of danger! If a fellow believer tells you that he’s feeling anxious, it’s not his job to fix the problem by sharing jokes like, “Just give it to God,” “If only you had more faith…,” “Maybe you shouldn’t.” has ______,”* or, “Don’t you have faith that God can take care of you?”

generally, we know we need to surrender our struggles to God, right? It takes constant effort.

Luke 9:23

Then he told everyone: “Whoever wants to be my disciple, deny himself, take up his cross every day and follow me.

Daily. Pick up the cross, the symbol of personal sacrifice in favor of God’s will… daily. Reading that tells me that it is a constant and conscious effort. It is natural that some days are more difficult than others. knowing that need doing something doesn’t always make it easy.

*While anxiety is not divine punishment, if God is convincing, anxiety can be a very real result. That’s always something to get attention. As we pray, we need to listen if God is speaking of correction to our hearts.

4. No one wants to be treated like a very real fight is “all in my head,” but we all want to feel validated!

It’s true that anxiety is ingrained in our thinking habits (among other factors, as mentioned above), but just because a struggle is ingrained in our thinking doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Being told that something is in our heads gives the impression that it’s not a legitimate fight or that it doesn’t count as an affliction of some kind.

Once again, no one wants to be treated like this. We all want to be validated, sure that what we are going through is understandable and that we have not lost touch with reality.

Even if you don’t understand what someone is experiencing, you can still be understanding and acknowledge how they are telling you they are feeling.

5. What really DOES help is prayer, encouragement and support.

Pray for peace, pray for comfort, pray for wisdom and discernment so that you can make good decisions about any struggle that comes your way.

A Christian with anxiety is experiencing a constant struggle to believe that God loves and cares for them, while feeling fearful of everyday stressors, interpersonal interactions, self-doubt, and more. While dismissive-sounding jokes aren’t helpful, encouraging scriptures and prayers can be. If you want to help, try it!

So a summary of what MAY be useful includes:

1. Don’t discount anxiety. It’s a real struggle, with real symptoms.

2. Validate. Even if you don’t personally understand the symptoms of anxiety or the impact they can have, acknowledge the symptoms someone is telling you and believe they are important to that person. It is a personal experience, and only the individual knows what his experience is.

3. Do not accuse a distressed person of not having faith, etc. Instead, encourage him with prayer and scripture. (And please don’t refer to problems by saying anything that starts with “Well, at least…”)

4. Keep your negativity to yourself. Someone who is already struggling with anxiety needs to be surrounded by positivity.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think of such things.

What would YOU add to this list?

Above all, be loving; and when in doubt about what can be more useful… ask!

Remember, there are new opportunities every day, so make every day awesome!