I often hear from wives who are very upset with their husband’s changing behavior after their affair. Often he will be loving and sweet one day, but cold and distant the next. I heard a wife say, “After my husband admitted he had an affair, he started sobbing and told me that his greatest fear was losing me and the children. He begged me to give him a chance to make it up to me for this. indecisive, but I don’t want to lose my family either. So I told him that we would see what would happen. He agreed to go to therapy and we have gone weekly. It helps a little, but our biggest problem is that he is hot. and then he is cold. One day not He can show me enough affection and attention and the next day, he’s distant. And when he’s distant it makes me wonder if he’s thinking about the other woman or if he has doubts about me and our marriage. When I ask him why he’s acting this way, He tells me that he is doing the best he can and that sometimes he gets discouraged by his actions and what he has done to us, but that does not mean that he does not. Love me. After I call your attention to this, you will be attentive and loving again for a couple of days and then it will start to create distance. nce and isolating itself again. I am so discouraged by this because I do not want to live the rest of my life with a husband who is not sure how he feels about me or our marriage. Is this going to last forever? “

Often it does not last forever. And the reason for this does not always mean that your husband has no feelings for you. I will discuss this below.

Why husbands can be hot and cold after cheating: Just for a second, I want you to stop and take an inventory of your feelings for the past few weeks. Having been through this myself, I can tell you that I suspect that there have been days when you have felt a little better and then there have probably been days when you have felt just horrible about your situation. The same can be true for your husband. You may feel a bit of guilt and shame for your actions. This can make you withdraw and brood.

And then maybe something or someone (probably you) will cheer him up a bit and his negative feelings will subside for a while. And this is when you will see him being affectionate or “hot” with you. And then a little doubt will start to arise and you will see it start to regress and go through its “cold” phase. As frustrating as this may be, it can be normal. But that doesn’t mean it’s conducive to your recovery, which is why communication is so important, which brings me to the next point.

How to handle it when your husband has changing emotions after an affair: There is no reason to suffer in silence. You can tackle this without being judgmental and without making things worse. However, don’t be surprised if your husband tells you that you change your emotions quite often, too. The next time you notice that she’s getting cold, you could say something like, “I can’t help but notice that your behavior today is different than yesterday when you were very affectionate. It calms me down when you show me affection because it tells me to remain attracted and committed to me. It makes me feel like our marriage is worth fighting for. But then you calm down and you seem like you want nothing to do with me. This makes me wonder if you’re having doubts about us and that really hurts. It would be helpful if you could communicate how you feel when you isolate yourself. I understand that we both have bad days when we are trying to get through this. But there are bad days, I still need your reassurance because if I start to think that you are not really attracted or committed to me, then we are going to fight. stay connected when you feel the need to go inward? “

Hopefully, you can see that this script encourages you to ask for what you want and need, but be careful not to judge or accuse. You are trying to find something in common and you are admitting that you are having your own struggles so that you understand that there will be some difficult days. However, communicating and continuing to register and trying to connect with each other even when those doubts arise can make all the difference. Just saying “honey, I’m having a hard time today. Can we take a walk to relax before dinner?” it can make a big difference in the way you perceive things. Because if you can just touch base during tough days, misunderstandings are much less likely to occur and then you can pick up when both of you feel a little better. Over time, as you begin to heal, there should be many more “hot” days and many fewer “cold” days.