A psychologist, consultant, author, and frequent television contributor, Goulston has written an insightful, example-filled book that explores many facets of not just listening, but effective communication in general. Subtitled”Discover the secret to reach absolutely anyoneraises the author nine basic rules for communicating with anyone and then provides twelve quick and easy ways to gain buy-in and communication.

As background, Goulston explains that all persuasion involves moving people through the steps of what he calls the “persuasion cycle:”

1.From resisting a to listen

2.From to listen a considering

3.From considering a Willing to do

4.From Willing to do a doing

5.From doing a I’m glad they did Y continuing to do.

The principle of the book is that you cross to people by making them “accept”, which happens when they go from “resisting” to “listening” to “considering” what you are saying. And so the key to gaining “buy-in” and then moving people through the rest of the cycle is not what you tell them but what you get them say you – and what goes on in their minds in the process.

Here I briefly discuss each of Goulston’s nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques:

nine basic rules

1. Move from “Oh shit to OK” – Stress interferes with your ability to reach people, so control your emotions…quickly. Strive to move from your initial reaction to the releasing (or realization) phase, to the refocusing phase, to the refocusing phase, and finally to the reengaging phase. When you do, you go from being fixed in the way you’re convinced the world should or shouldn’t be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world as it is.
2. Reconnect to listen – We tend to assess people instantly based on what we have heard about them or experienced firsthand. However, our first impressions and first impressions are a confusing mix of truth, fiction, and prejudice. We end up dealing with a fictional creation, not the real person. If you want to open the lines of communication, first open your own mind to determine who they really are.
3. Make the other person feel “felt” – This simply means putting yourself in the other person’s place. When they “get it” they can change the dynamics of a tense situation or relationship to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication.
4. be more interested than interesting – To master the skill of be interested, and being honest when you do, stop thinking of a conversation like a tennis match where the goal is to score more points than your opponent. Instead, think of it as a detective game, where your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Ask questions that show you want to learn more, for example, that leads them to say “I to feel x, i think and me made or would do z.”
5. Make people feel valuable – People need to feel valuable; even (or possibly especially) the complainers, whiners, and obstructors. Both the good people in your life and the annoying people in your life need and deserve the reassurance that they matter. Do it, and they will give you what you need. Everyone competes for time, but no one should need to compete for importance.
6. Help people exhale emotionally and mentally – Stress is not bad. It makes us focus, become determined and test our mettle. It’s when stress crosses over distress which the problems result. Even though it can be very difficult, allow people to vent and vent as much as they feel is possible without you interrupting or judging them. The saying goes “Forget the music. If you want to calm the wild beast, make the beast exhale.”
7. Check your dissonance at the door – Dissonance occurs when you think you are seeing yourself one way, but people see you in a totally different way. For example, you think you are confident, energetic, and passionate, but others see you as arrogant, hyperactive, and impulsive. It also occurs when you think you perceive another person accurately, but the other person disagrees. So how can you know how others perceive you? Ask your friends, family, and co-workers.
8. When all seems lost, bare your neck – When you are cornered and feel like baring your teeth, instead dig deep, feel your fear, face your shortcomings, and tell others that you will do everything you can to reform yourself. As Keith Ferrazzi says: “Don’t be afraid to share your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible.”
9. Stay away from toxic people – Strip people who want to rip you off, intimidate you, frustrate you, or scapegoat you for your mistakes, of the power to hurt you. Goulston writes that “if you hesitate to say ‘No,’ you may be neurotic. If you’re really afraid to say ‘No,’ you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if no one ever says ‘No.'” For you, that toxic person could be you.”

12 quick and easy ways to gain buy-in and success

1. The question of impossibility (or “kick but”): You ask “What is something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, it would dramatically increase your success.” Then after they answer, ask “What would make it possible?”
2. the magic paradox: When you help explain a person’s reasons for being negative or disagreeing, you change them to a more positive and agreeing attitude.
3. The shake of empathy: When two people hit each other instead of communicating, or one person is more interested in attacking than listening, insert an empathy shock. The author writes that “anger and empathy cannot exist in the same place at the same time,” so be curious and strive to understand what challenges they are facing.
4. The Reverse Game, Empathy Shake #2– Use this if you’re dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to get the job done, but isn’t giving it 100 percent. But instead of criticizing and exposing where they are falling short, mention a few reasons why. you could be disappointing them. By doing the unexpected and apologizing, the other person will stop being defensive and tend to reflect her humility and concern. “An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment.”
5. Ask “Do you really believe that?”: Before you worry about solving someone else’s problem, find out if there really is a problem.
6. The power of “Hmm…”: Respond to someone who is angry and defensive with something neutral like “Hmmm” or “Tell me more” or “Really?” or “So what happened” or “What else can you tell me?” Don’t get defensive; go deeper.
7. The Stipulation Gambit: Instead of hiding a weakness or problem, neutralize it. Show poise by openly voicing the doubts people have about you, and they’ll be more likely to give you their positive, undivided attention.
8. From transaction to transformation: Transactional communications do not create traction in a relationship because they are impersonal and superficial. Therefore, we must go beyond transactions to engage by asking questions that allow the other person to say: “This is what I think”, “This is who I am”, “This is what I want to achieve” or ” That is”. how can you play apart to improve my life.” Strive with this “eyes to heaven” technique to get others to fetch And reflect
9. Side to side: Ask questions during a shared moment and then deepen the conversation with more questions (forming the core of the Socratic Method). This technique is based on three facts: 1) sitting people down and reading them rarely works, because it makes them defensive and hides things from you; 2) asking works better than telling; and 3) when you allow one revelation to lead to another without getting in the way, you learn even more.
10. fill in the blanks: Invite people into a conversation with a fill-in-the-blank approach rather than asking defensive questions. Direct questions make people think you are talking made them. Let them fill in the blanks and they will feel like you are talking. with them.
11. Take it all the way to “no”: Keep pushing for what you want until you get a “no.” Then ask them to go from “no” to “yes” by saying something like “I pushed myself too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?” Then use the fill-in-the-blank method or another effective questioning approach to seize the moment.
12. The power thanks and the apology of the power: Use a Powerful Thank You when ordinary “thank you” isn’t enough; It has 3 parts: 1) it refers to something specific that the person did for you; 2) recognize the effort it cost them; and 3) tell them what a difference their personal act made to you. While the apology of power, when justified, consists of the 4 Rs: remorse, restitution, rehabilitation, and request for forgiveness.

One key to reaching people is to be reachable. I’d love to hear from you about this book and any feedback you have as you try out some of these concepts and techniques.