It can be difficult to set clear boundaries during a trial or marital separation. This may be especially true if the spouses differ in their opinion about needing one in the first place. Often there is one spouse who feels that separation is the only way to save the marriage, while the other feels that separation is really unnecessary and painful. Because of this, people often don’t sit down to talk about their hopes and expectations for separation. So when problems arise, spouses may disagree about how much to get involved in each other’s lives. For example, a wife may expect her husband to continue to be involved in maintaining the home and family life. She may be very disappointed when the estranged husband backs down on any of these issues.

For example, you might say, “I’m struggling with a lot of issues during our separation. It seems like everything that can go wrong is, in fact, going wrong right now. About three weeks after my husband left, the ceiling started to cave in.” leak. A few days later I got demoted at my job. Then a little while later my mom had an accident and now she is homebound and needs care. I had to go and stay with her on the weekends and hire a caretaker .during the week I asked my husband to move home instead of all this and he says I expect too much of him he says because we are apart I can’t expect him to be at my beck and call or to take care of my personal business. I told him that’s not what I’m asking of him. If we were just talking about the roof, then I wouldn’t make this request. But it’s all these things together. That makes me feel like he should come home to take care of our children when I am taking care of my mother. He wants to be there for me emotionally as I struggle through this. We are still married. And I certainly would like to be there for him if he was fighting like this. I’m not asking him to pretend that we’re still madly in love. I only ask that you be there for his wife. Is this really waiting too long?”

I don’t think it is, but I can tell you that what is happening to you is not unusual. Estranged spouses who want space often resist or back down in response to a request that makes them think you are trying to take that space away from them. Your husband may well think you are trying to trick him into coming home before he has had the time and space he has requested. I am not saying that this is true at all. I’m just saying this may be your perception of the truth. And that may be why he is getting the charges he expects too.

As I see it, you have three options. You can just walk away and continue as things have been. She can try to change her husband’s mind by telling him he’s being unfair (but she risks making him even more outraged, possibly making things worse). Or you could try a compromise, which is what I would recommend. You could try a response like “I don’t expect us to make up. Can we try a compromise that will help us both? What if you stay with the kids at our house on weekends? That way I could be with my mom.” without worrying about the welfare of the children and you will have your space during the week.Most separated and divorced dads welcome their children on the weekends so this doesn’t ask you to go above and beyond.This will allow you to spend a lot of time with your children and I won’t have to worry while I take care of my mother. Despite our separation, I know you want me to have one less worry right now. I know you care about my well-being, just as I would continue to care about yours.”

This does a couple of things for you. It shows him that you are asking for nothing more than what most other separated parents would do. He emphasizes that he will continue to have his space. And it allows you to point out that you still care about his well-being and don’t think it’s asking too much for him to still care about yours. At that point, he is free to agree or not. And his response should tell you a lot about where he stands in terms of his emotional investment in you and the kids.

Most men would agree to some compromise on this. Newly separated men can be especially protective of the space they believe they have worked so hard to achieve. Therefore, you may be better off if you can convince him that he is not trying to take that away from you, just that he wants your help with the kids during a difficult situation. Your union and commitment at this time can have a positive impact on the breakup if he plays his cards right. This is the best alternative to trying to convince him that he is wrong, at least in my own experience.