I like to share new knowledge and the things I learn because it reinforces these things in a very personal way for me. A new lesson I discovered very recently was about supporting my wife in her relationship with my daughters on an issue that is important to her. My vapid support for her in one small area (for me) was damaging her relationships in what was becoming a pretty big area of ​​concern for her. It was about cleaning the bathroom.

The general process we followed together to control this area was as follows:

1. We asked the children if they thought having a clean bathroom was important. This encourages acceptance.

2. We looked for a commitment to help us. This either works or it doesn’t.

3. If it didn’t work, we set the bathroom cleanliness standards we required. We were specific in describing exactly how it would look, after use, each and every time. Clean and clear vanity; clean the floor with the clothes stored; hanging towel; appliances and lights off…

4. We asked the children if they had any ideas for us on how we could achieve these standards. Again, this encourages acceptance. also introduce impact.

5. If some ideas or no ideas come up, we had our own ideas prepared of the consequences that we could apply.

6. There should be no reminders. I call this the ‘leaky faucet’ method. I found myself reminding children to clean up after themselves many times a day and this clearly had a limited effect on a lasting basis. In this way, the ‘dripping faucet’ did not work.

7. We expressed our ideas for a possible consequence and again were specific. Anytime the bathroom was left untidy or didn’t meet the standards we were looking for, it meant computer, internet and phone access was lost for the day.

8. Again we seek comments on whether or not this was fair. We found that having the discussion over dinner was the ideal way to foster a respectful, non-threatening environment.

The process is fair. he comes out mokita in the family that describes the concept of “the truth that we all know but agree not to talk about.”[1] For our family, the mokita was a common toilet of degeneration and dissatisfaction. It was important to our collective relationships that we honestly state what was important to us, do what was appropriate, and do it in a way that was also appropriate, involving key family members affected.

As a married parent to a non-parent spouse, I think it’s very important to consider their views on so-called minor issues. What is minor to one is important to another, and if it is minor, what harm could cooperating do in the first place? That’s right, there is no harm and the cost is small. However, the benefits of cooperating on this ‘minor’ issue far outweigh the earlier discomfort that was present. Finally, my wife feels understood. That’s important to me.

Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All rights reserved throughout the world.

[1] See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mokita for more information.